Goodbye, July

Two more days, but those two are going to be okay. The month of July is mostly behind me. Now I can breathe. It's not as though all of life's challenges have miraculously melted away, but my mind and body are less in survival mode and more in the moment. I'm still appealing two indicated child abuse reports, still "unemployed" but "working" for my daughters, and still not always certain which way to turn. What I do know is I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, and little ones who need to be loved and taken care of.

I took the boys to the park today. Our last trip there ended in disaster when Killian saw the playground filled with children and promptly declared, "I don yike dose kids," before ever getting out of the car. LOL! Today, although the parking lot was full, the playground was almost empty. He and Idris all but had it to themselves. Only two others were there. Others came in time, but by then Kili was acclimated and didn't complain. I found myself smiling when I heard Idris proclaim, "Wesley!" He had no idea I'd called his Uncle Nate to see if they were nearby. It was a fun afternoon. (Sorry, no pictures. Ha ha! I was busy reading a book and felting pumpkins.)

Be Anxious...

If you are familiar with scripture, then you will know the rest of the verse, but knowing and implementing do not always go hand in hand. I slept last night, but the previous night was fraught with gripping anxiety. So many unsettled thoughts...

But today. Today is a new space in time. Another new beginning.

D Day

All of July is pointing toward this day. All the tension in my body, the emotional disregulation, the mental exhaustion. After today my body and mind will relax and most of the tension will melt away. Most of it. Today is D Day. The day the flowers died. Cultivating new growth requires a strength and intentionality I do not always possess. Today I long for a home to which I can never return. Tomorrow I will in all likelihood be ready to pick up a shovel and work in the new "garden" again.

I had an absolutely fabulous weekend. On Saturday I went out toward Buffalo with my sister Priscilla. We went to Knox Farm State Park and walked the grounds. Free parking, free entry. I took a bazillion pictures. After a quick lunch, we took a peek in a pottery shop in East Aurora and then headed to Daemen University in Amhurst where we walked the labyrinth across from Curtice Hall. Coffee ice cream at Sweet Jenny's was next, followed by a walk in Glen Park just behind Jenny's. After our ice cream it was time to head to the airport and find Jamie, Priscilla's husband who had been stuck in San Antonio overnight due to the computer outage.

On Sunday I was invited to tag along on a Trejo family outing to Stony Brook State Park in Dansville. I hadn't been there since we camped when Hannah was five years old. We walked the Gorge trail from the bottom up and then back down again. Determination took me all the way up the never-ending staircase at the top of the trail. I had taken my shoes off at one of the waterfalls and walked it barefooted. Yesterday my calves decided to punish me and I find walking at all to be painful. Ha ha! Stony Brook did the exact same thing to me 24 years ago.

I am intentionally setting out new plants, making new memories, in hopes that the old ones will one day not throw me off balance over and over again but today I miss my old gardens. I miss my house on the farm, my spacious kitchen full of my own things, the oversized couch where I took afternoon naps, the breezy back porch, and someone to enfold me in his arms... Tomorrow I will stand firm again, but for today my heart is achy.

Sundays

Sundays must be spent intentionally otherwise I end up home alone wondering what to do and how to fill my time. I did not go to church yesterday. Partially because I don't know exactly where to go and partially because there are places I know I don't want to go.

I messaged several people; my sister who was heading out to visit family, my friend Gail who did not answer because she was asleep, and my friend Laura who was planning an afternoon shopping trip with her daughter. I decided to return an item I had purchased at Aldi, pick up some photos at Walgreens, and run into Wegmans for a bottle of conditioner because shampoo and conditioner never run out at the same time. I also checked the pharmacy for my upcoming prescription refill. It was while waiting in the pharmacy line that I spotted Wendy. I called Wendy's name and waved. She is the owner of the daycare where I worked for so many years. It was a good connection, one I have needed to make happen.

I was in Wegmans when Gail woke up and sent me a message. We decided to catch up and later met our friend Linda for a late lunch at Uno's. Their Honey Crisp Chicken Salad is delicious! Back home again I took a look at my computer and listened to Audible. The Body Keeps the Score. I am not sure how to process this book... I heard rain, looked up and it was pouring outside! Of course my car windows were open just slightly. I ran out to close them and returned dripping wet. LOL!

In the evening, just after my family returned and the rain had dissipated, I got a text from Laura. We had agreed to meet up for an ice cream. I haven't caught up with her in what feels like a long time. We ate our ice cream and decided to visit Webster Park where we walked out on the pier, watched the sunset, and talked until dusk. The rain had cooled the stifling heat, the lake was calm, and it was an absolutely beautiful evening.

Where Do I Go From Here?

 Life wasn't meant to be lived alone. In life there should be a companion, someone who is by your side through the ups and downs, someone to hold you when you hurt, and someone to set you back on your feet when life knocks you backward and sucks the wind out of your lungs. I have friends. I do not have a companion. 

I would have followed him anywhere had he asked. If there was ever a moment in time when he was willing, I will likely never know. Perhaps he was as terrified of rejection as me. For better or for worse, that chapter has now closed. I was never asked and therefore never followed. It wasn't meant to be.

Where do I go from here in this "alone, but not solitary" world? Surrounded by people yet aching for connection... Filled with longing but never fulfilled... All the platitudes in the world won't fill the void. The heart will heal, perhaps, if I will allow it to grieve.