Still Here

 Nothing much to share. It's been a week of rain and cold weather. Rather disappointing, but whining won't change anything and will only make the situation appear drastically worse than it really is. I am warm and dry, my belly is (more than) full, I have clean clothes to wear, and a job that makes me feel loved and appreciated. 

I saw the therapist last night and told him I am ready to let go of the numbness and denial, yet I am afraid of it too. He asked if the numbness was grace, God's grace... Yes, numbness is God's grace, a gift given when the crushing weight of truth would make life unbearable. Numbness, and perhaps a portion of denial. I've cleaned and polished stories, left out painful details, and told them with a cheery smile when in reality the truth was not so sweet or pretty. I've rewritten history. My own. But rewriting it doesn't alter the truth.

I've still not turned in my pottery studio key. I didn't have time last weekend and I scarcely know when the office is open. Truth is I like my shelf and I want to play in the mud...

The Week in a Nutshell

Most of this past week was dark, dreary and wet. I was thankful for the beautiful walk on Saturday and my time with my friend Gail on Sunday. I'm coming to realize I might need a better plan to get me through the coming long winter as I am prone to feeling depressed on dark, cold, lonely evenings. Last year I had the pottery studio, and although I still have my shelf at the moment, I am seriously considering turning in my key and saving the $75 each month. At the very least I could save it toward taking a future class. I haven't spent any real time there since March.

On Tuesday evening I spent a few hours making pies with my daughter Bethany. Today is her 35th birthday. Tomorrow she is throwing a "Halfway to 70" birthday party with apple pie for dessert. We have encouraged her in this endeavor. She needs a good stress reliever and nothing relieves stress better than the love of friends and family. (Please pray for baby Henry as he is scheduled for surgery on December 1. We'd all appreciate your prayers for a successful operation and speedy healing for this sweet child.)

This afternoon after work Hannah, Idris and I went for a walk around the block. Twice. Tonight my people and I went down to the lake for an evening picnic. Hannah and Sergio bought subs and I met them down at the lake. It was an absolutely gorgeous day! Just like summer, aside from the autumn colors. No jackets needed. We opted to take advantage of this rare opportunity as tomorrow is forecast to be about 35 degrees colder. It was a beautiful evening.

Tomorrow and Sunday both come with birthday parties. I wish I could say I am already prepared, but the truth is I am not. I have some work to do tomorrow if I am to arrive at Number Seven's Sixth birthday party with a present. Pretty sure I can be successful. At least I hope so...
 

Shooting in the Woods

I took myself back to the woods at Webster Park yesterday because, as I told my friend Dan, "It may not be good for the allergies, but it is good for the soul." It was a slow walk, soaking in the sights and sounds. I took two camera lenses this time, one for bigger scenes and one to catch what would otherwise be invisible. 

I did not walk to the campground this time, but circled the back edge of the park and a few trails just outside the perimeter, the West Trail and the Midnight Trail and a few unnamed and off the beaten path. I was blessed to capture tiny birds, a little red squirrel, and three deer. (For those concerned, although there is no hunting allowed within the park and it isn't yet shotgun season.)

I stopped twice down by the lake, once before and once after my walk. I was sitting on the stone beach collecting lake glass when I heard a voice behind me and turned to see my friend Gail. "I wondered if you'd be here," she said. Sometimes I am surprised by how well she knows me. Once my pocket was full of glass and my stomach was rumbling at being empty, I finally headed home for the evening. 

It was another simply beautiful day.

The Woods at Webster Park

I have a lot of thoughts, and plenty of words, but not much I can write here... so I'll tell you about my weekend. 

 

 

 

 I spent some more time walking alone in the woods this past weekend. When I have my camera along, I'm never really alone. I parked inside Webster Park this time, walked to the campground, and sneaked through an unoccupied campsite to the hill of pines that lines the sites where Mom and Dad used to set up our camper. It didn't look like I remember, the pines are old and dying, and the undergrowth is taking over, and yet I found it all wonderfully enchanting. I couldn't resist building a pine cone house. Or two. Or, actually three.

After exploring the edge of the campground, I changed my lens and headed toward the "boy scout" part of the park where Mom and Dad took us on long afternoon walks when we camped. It was a favorite part of the day. I used to think I could never get lost in Webster Park. Ha ha! I probably overestimated myself, but I haven't been too lost to find my way out again yet. (It's not that big a park. Don't worry.)

When my camera battery died, I needed to make a decision. Go on without taking pictures? Or go home and charge the battery? (Like that was any question...) I returned an hour later to finish my walk and even made it all the way back to Mohawk Lodge, which when we walked with Mom and Dad, meant we had gone on a really long walk. 

It was the perfect day.

A Long Line of Love

Been listening to old country songs. This one breaks my heart. How could it not?

 

A Little Blog Post and Some Pictures

 I've started new posts twice in the past week, but they remain unpublished. (I went to a local corn maze with a friend last Saturday, as well as another outing with my sister on Sunday... It was a beautiful weekend.) Maybe it's because I've been getting up so early for work the past week, but mostly my concentration has been off. It's so much easier to post photographs and scroll through Facebook...

If I am honest, total transparency here has become more difficult. It's become easier in person, but harder on a social media platform, especially because I don't know who my audience includes. I remain keenly aware of my own ability to inadvertently wound those I love, as well as mislead those who are unaware of our true story. I'm learning a little more about myself each day, like how I think and why I respond in certain ways, but I don't always have words to explain those things.

I'm also learning how to spend time alone and although it's not always easy, it's not miserable either. I am beginning to enjoy my moments of solitude as much as I enjoy spending time with my friends and family. This afternoon I went for a walk in the woods at a local park. (I learned from a fellow hiker that it might not be the safest place to walk during bow hunting season, but previous to that tidbit of information I'd felt quite safe and peaceful.) The lake and the woods. Much more peaceful than Barnes and Noble or Hobby Lobby, although they will likely have to do in the winter.

A couple weeks ago I neglected to attend an outdoor gathering. It was especially hard to tell my son and daughter in law that I wouldn't be there. We all want so much to pretend everything is okay when it isn't, and my mind wants to rationalize the irrational as well. This is my most difficult battle and I am coming to understand the battle is universal. I'm not the only one struggling to come to terms with situations I can't understand. It's part of the reason I was asked to step out of the Step Study a year and a half ago. At least that part is beginning to make a little bit of sense in my mind.

In other news, I locked myself out of my car again on Saturday afternoon. My car keys were once again smiling at me from their position on the driver's seat while I was on the other side of the window. Ironically, I had just paid my AAA membership online the night previous. I've learning not to let this silly game get me too ruffled. It feels so much better to laugh at it instead.