Across the Border

Sixteen hours and a passport away, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, is my sweet (once upon a time, and forever in my heart) mother in law. I have never been to visit her there, although we did visit her home when she lived in Crystal Beach, Ontario, Canada. Once she moved we always had her come to visit us instead. I suppose it was was easier to buy an airline ticket for one than to drive with all nine of us... Or however many there were of us at any given time. She traveled often enough for our kids to know and love her and I am ever so grateful for every one of those visits.

In a few days she will be 85 years old. Bright and sharp and active all the way up into her early eighties, the last few years have been a struggle. Age catches up with the most vibrant and eccentric of us... She's battled an incurable illness this past year, lost a lot of weight, and is wrestling with short term memory loss. Her time is winding down... My heart is sad. I have already missed her for seven years (and more), ever since I moved away from the farm and back into my childhood home, and especially since the divorce. Deep inside of her is a woman who fiercely supports me, but she is also a Momma and desperately loves her son. I get it. I understand. I am okay with that, even if it makes my heart ache.

I won't get to say another goodbye to the woman who has been such an influence in not only my own life, but the lives of my children. Thankfully, I had a chance to say I love you this past July when my son unexpectedly FaceTimed me from Halifax. On the other end of my phone was the same sweet soul knew and loved. I longed to wrap my arms around her but it was impossible. It will never come to pass.

Life is give-and-take. She gave so much to me, the incredible gift of knowing her, loving her, and (at least once upon a time) of being loved in return. I will take that gift and hold it forever in my heart.

"Choice"

In the course of my bookcase moving adventure, I came across two souvenirs, a pair of spoons I brought home from the daycare several years ago. (I traded them for two I bought at Walmart.) It's the little things like this that keep me believing in God and His uncanny ability to answer when I am totally clueless. It's happened more than once in my life. Some folks call these coincidences, others call them "God Winks." Most times I say I felt God smile. I'm not sure what was going on with coincidences and God-winks back in 2018, but I know He was answering the cries of my heart.

January 4, 2018- 
So... I've been looking for answers. I've prayed for answers, and sometimes God has given them, but I have a tendency to question His answers, which leaves me looking for answers all over again, and wondering why He doesn't answer...

... He (the therapist) asked what I needed again. I may or may not have said "answers" and the conversation turned to answers vs choices. Here I am, the ever indecisive, needing to make hard choices. 

...  if I want to move forward, there will be more choices. Some will be easy, and others will be hard. It is the hard choices that help us grow and make us strong.

I was looking for a word for this year. maybe it is "choices."

January 8, 2018- 
"Because of Calvary, I am free to choose." Max Lucado, Grace for the Moment. 

It not so much about getting answers as making choices, and so I will practice choosing. (And quite honestly, I think God really is answering, even if He isn't answering in quite the way I'd expected.) 

January 9, 2018-
Today we got two little boxes of new spoons. (at work)Twelve individually wrapped spoons in each box...

 ... Do you know that on the back of each spoon the word "CHOICE" is engraved? It doesn't say choice on the box, and when I found them online it said nothing about choice...

Today I no longer question the choice I made. I did the right thing, agonizing though it was. Sometimes I still long for someone to wrap me in his arms, but I am wrapped in a love I didn't know existed prior to all the hard choices. Today I am able to love myself in a new and healthier way. My family and I are worth the cost of all I chose to leave behind. 

 

Searching for the Words

 So many emotions and yet so few words...

2016 to 2024

Found this in my Facebook memories the other day and thought I'd take another stab at it.

A Long Game for people who stay up too late sitting in easy chairs...

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?

Left knee, dropped a razor 
My heart, torn in two from top to bottom, and stitched slowly back together again.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?

mostly paint, here and there a shelf of doo-dads, or a picture 
Barn boards that my father hung when I was four years old.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?

I clench my teeth
I couldn't tell you because I'm typically sleeping at the time.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? stuff you probably can't stand.
Usually country, but classic rock sometimes as well.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

Around 9:30 am on Palm Sunday
That hasn't changed since the last time.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?

answers

I want the people I love to know peace and security without fear of prejudice and retribution.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?

Being a carefree kid

I miss the farm and days spent looking after my home and family.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?

My children, although I know they really aren't mine to keep

The afghan my mother made for my 22nd birthday. There are hours upon hours of loves stitched into it.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

five feet, four inches

same

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

I never thought so, but absolute and total darkness (like inside a cave) is pretty scary

Not typically, but I don't like having both my mouth and nose covered at the same time

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?

Yes, but not OF the dark, just what might be in it

Only if I am totally alone in a scary place.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? 

oh, goodness. I'm not telling.
I can't remember. Apparently I'm not keeping track. However, I did laugh until I cried watching funny videos the other day.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?

Losing a child
fascism

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?

The older you get the less it matters

blond and blue, not that is really makes a difference

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?

What kind of proposal are we talking about?

LOL!

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?

coffee, please, with some French vanilla

definitely coffee

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?

pepperoni and cheese 

 Is it really pizza without pepperoni and cheese?

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

But I'm not hungry right now

A veggie sub sounds good

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?

blue
How does one choose a favorite color?

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?

only the crackers
No plans to ever eat a real goldfish. I would barf.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?

the afghan my mother made me
life

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?

nope
Not any more.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?

Nope

Still no

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?

I buy what catches my eye.
Old Navy, Walmart, Kohls

25. WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?

I am amused by Brad Paisley
No favorites, but I still like Brad.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?

2 cats and somewhere between 10 and 12 chickens
One cat named Pippy (I'll probably always miss my Naughties.)

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?

see above-
Orange

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?

Yes.
Every time

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED.

how about 23
47 (Or maybe 87)

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

Blondes, of course!
Still going for blond

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?

"Now Jesus loved Martha…" John 11:5
“After a good meal and a good pipe, George was tired.”

33. FAVORITE PLACE?

wandering the countryside
outside in the woods

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?

Only to Canada
Still. I had hopes but the were dashed. Ha ha! (The passport is ready.)

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?

sugar, not standing up for myself
coffee, naps, and toddlers

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?

I ran into John Kucko out and about this fall.
Halle Jackson

37. FIRST JOB?

Aide in a nursing home
Comforting my heartbroken mommy

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?

As kids we looked up people named McDonald in the phone book and ordered burgers when we were kids. There was no caller ID back then. Some people played along and others got mad.
I was a child of the 70s...

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?

I'm sure they do
Not sure... If I have one we must have passed each other without realizing somewhere along the way.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?

research
taking a nap (It's one of my weaknesses.)

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?

Yes. eye surgery
A few

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?

my saintliness for having so many children. Ha ha
I don't know. I haven't been keeping track.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

I hadn't even thought of it.
I got the best present ever last year when my son and daughter in law took me to Disney for the very first time. I had so much fun!

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?

I'll take at least seven and name them James Austin, David Adam, Bethany Ann, Josiah Andrew, Nathan Daniel, Benjamin Alexander, and Hannah Ruth
And grandkids too! Josh, Lucas, Simon, Aubrey, Jake, Austin, Spencer, Jill, Idris, Wes, Parker, Logan, Jonah, Henry, Killian, Lyla, Charlotte, and "Oscar"

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My mother's paternal grandmother and my mother's sister, Jeanne
Some things remain unchanged

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?

self-centeredness, anger, and narcissism
When they are selfish, grumpy, and mean

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?

My friends were there

The endless possibilities before me... and now I like the connection to others who were also there.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?

Aussie
Still love the Aussie shampoo

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Sure, most of the time.
Yup

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

turkey, but I like avacados too
Pepper-jack cheese

52. ANY BAD HABITS?

biting my nails
I still bite my nails

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?

I can be
Ha ha! Sometimes.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Sure. Everybody needs friends.
I make a good friend, so yes.

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?

What kind of benefits are we talkin' here?

There are kinds of benefits to friendship.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?

One cannot help how he is made, he can, however, keep himself neat and clean, so yes.
They do.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?

A little bit of steam comes out of my ears
Cry (and if I'm mad enough I swear)

59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?

Never grow up too much
Love others and have some fun along the way.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?

Fisher Price Little People and furniture and our big box full of blocks. We built houses and played for hours. 

My dolls and all the clothes Mom and Aunt Barbara made for them

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?

Is this a contest? Is there a prize?.
As many as I put in there and probably a few more

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?

Barney Rubble, yes. But my favorite was Pebbles, the Flintstones little girl.
I predate the Purple Dinosaur by almost 30 years. Almost.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Never!

If you're asking if I joke around, yes. If you're inquiring as to whether I enjoy making others feel small, no.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?

Mac and cheese
Mashed potatoes ha ha!

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?

Integrity
Ugh... honestly, integrity, loyalty, kindness, a sense of humor, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control, love...

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

Mart, Marty, Mom, and Hey, you
Grammy

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?

Invisibility
Loving them anyway

68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?

The Andy Griffith Show
I don't watch TV much...

69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?

Carry a big stick
Grow a thick skin and keep on loving them

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

vanilla
vanilla with something sweet or yummy on top (Caramel, hot fudge, peppermint mocha, strawberry syrup, maple syrup, chocolate chips, peanuts, whipped cream...)

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?

last time I checked
absolutely!

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?

Right now? Yes.
I do!

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?

I might go to bed eventually
Not entirely sure... It's dark and cold outside.

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?

I'm not going to a nursing home…
Still thinking on Florida...

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

that would be asking a lot
No

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

Now, nothing, but last time I did this it was Troy telling Ben knock-knock jokes
My grandkids talking and laughing in the other room

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?

water. Boring, yes.
coffee

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Bethany
My insurance agent, to cancel my insurance

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?

That they are actually just that. 

their eyes

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOU'RE SPARE TIME?

go on photography excursions 

spend time with family and friends

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?

abortion
hatred and injustice

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR

autumn hands down

August and September

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY

something with nuts and chocolate

chocolate covered nuts

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?

Yes.

more than I ever imagined

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?

blonde, naturally

blond

86. EYE COLOR?

blue/green

redundant questions that don't matter...

87. SHOE SIZE?

about 8 1/2

same

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?

Welcome to Moe's!

Wegmans Sub Shop

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?

Oh, I still think I like the German restaurant in Canandaigua, The Rheinblick

Maybe Mama Lor's but I'm not sure I really have a favorite.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?

nah
no

91. WATCH TV TODAY?

not too much

nope

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?

Thursday

Any day with friends

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?

No, but I can dream

No, but my kids can and I think that's pretty fabulous.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?.

Oh, my goodness!

Leaning the opposite direction these days

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?

hello?

definitely relationships

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?

milk

somebody's coffee and donuts...

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?

The question is, Will I ever not be a housewife?

It's an entirely different life today.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time

Just finished listening to "A World Without Cats" on Audible.

"Give Me Your Tired..."

It is curious what comments are generated simply posting a photo meme.

It's not the first time I've wondered at the plaque which adorns the Statue of Liberty, the words that have given (false) hope to so many looking for safety and freedom. Simply posting the words brought the comment, "We are a country of immigrants, but we also are a country of law and order!"

"We really don't want the huddled masses coming here, and we don't have the space or resources for the homeless, tempest tossed. We should probably get rid of the statue, or at least the plaque. It really sends the wrong idea," I told her. 

And she answered with, "i see your point!"

The truth is we are not asking that no one be vetted, or that we allow scores of uncounted people, including criminals, to stream over our borders, but we are asking for a bit of love and kindness for those who have been here since they were children, those whose entire family is here, those whose children are US citizens, and those who desperately need our love and protection. Either we welcome them or we stop sending them false hope.

Wecome to Dunkin

Work is going good. (Who knew coffee could be so complicated? LOL!) As much as there is to learn, it's just coffee and I can go home without feeling overwhelmed. Customers sometimes get mad when they have to wait a few minutes longer than expected, when we have run out of what they ordered, or when we mess up and get it wrong, but at the end of the day I don't have to worry about it. Getting up at 4:15am, taking a shower before climbing into bed, and staying awake long enough to keep up with my friends and family are the biggest struggles. I'm adjusting and all is well.

Afternoon "dance parties" are what I love best at work. The lines slow down between 11am and and 1pm and the mood is light. Jess brings her speaker, turns on some country music and provides us a bit of much needed entertainment. I go home smiling.

I'm going gluten free again. No donuts for Martha. It's been a week and my tummy is feeling softer and less bloated. I'm shooting for 4 weeks to see if it makes a significant difference. (That was an old photograph. And yes, glazed donuts are a favorite.)

In other news, woods walks are the best. 

What the Hell is Happening?

There are so many things I could say... and so many I either shouldn't or don't have permission to share. 

I took a drive down to the lake last Wednesday, picked at rocks along the shore, walked a short way, and sat down on a bench to watch the fishermen along the shore and to gaze at the sky. My heart is broken for our country... How is it that so many people who claim the name of Christ have become so very unlike Him? In the name of "saving babies" the church has discarded entire groups of people, declaring them unworthy, willing for them to be rounded up as cattle and shipped away. Those who prayed for the immigration success of my son in law have now voted against those just like him.

It is easy to write off foreigners when we have not rubbed elbows with them, eaten with them, or taken a moment to slip their shoes onto our feet. But when we literally link arms, sing and laugh together, share hugs and tears and family members, the world becomes a much smaller place and the the stranger is no longer alien. I realize there is an immigration problem, but I also know there is a better solution. A cup of cold water, a warm jacket, and a safe place to lay a pillow is a good place to start. 

It isn't enough to be deeply concerned for my neighbors, but my heart is also deeply troubled for the church I once loved and thought I knew... The platitudes are nauseating in the face of what is at risk. The mask has fallen off and underneath are the ugly, selfish hearts of the Pharisees.

Life is Good

Peace. Peace within.

Nine years ago my heart and soul were in anguish. Seven years ago my heart was broken to pieces. Five years ago I couldn't imagine what healing might look like or how it could ever come true. I had been totally devastated... but not completely destroyed. I held onto the belief that I could be happy again, that my heart would heal, that life would be good. And it is.

There have been a myriad of battles along the way, lots of tears and heart-wrenching realizations. I left a much loved part of myself behind in the little gray house on the country road through apple orchards. I came home to my father's house, the place where my life began, where I was safe and loved, and began the journey to healing. Five years ago I wrote, "I haven't found myself yet, but I'm still looking." Today I can say I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. My year started out tough, but I've come so far the past ten years and I'd never have gotten here without all the adversity.

To be honest, I thought I was happy in my old life and for the most part I was. I'd never wanted to be anything other than a wife and mother. My positions weren't quite what I'd imagined as a young girl, there were lots of tears, but I'd never be the person I am today without those hard lessons. It's because of them that I have been able to sit down and sort through what I believe and why, to set some beliefs aside, and to tuck others deeper into my heart and soul. Inside I am still very much the same girl I have always been with a generous helping of confidence that I was previously missing. 

Honestly, life is good. It is very good.

(Pictures from my Indian Summer walk in the woods on Thursday, which also happened to be Halloween.)